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4 comments:
A Parody of Kipling's 'If'
INNER STRENGTH
If you can start the day without caffeine or pep pills,
If you can be cheerful, ignoring aches and pains,
If you can resist complaining and boring people with your troubles,
If you can eat the same food every day and be grateful for it,
If you can understand when loved ones are too busy to give you time,
If you can overlook when people take things out on you when, through no fault of yours, something goes wrong,
If you can take criticism and blame without resentment,
If you can face the world without lies and deceit,
If you can conquer tension without medical help,
If you can relax without liquor,
If you can sleep without the aid of drugs,
Then you are probably a cat or a dog.
http://community.livejournal.com/wundee/3419.html
Rudyard Kipling as a Job Consultant
by Frank Jacobs
If you can get yourself a fancy title,
Though no one knows just what your job’s about,
If you can screw up projects that are vital,
Then shift the blame before they find you out;
If you can treat a rival like a brother,
Then stab him in the back each chance you can;
If you can steal the program of another,
Then take the credit that it was your plan;
If you can rig expenses that are phony,
While everyone believes that they are real;
If you can take long lunches with a crony,
And make your boss believe you’ve closed a deal;
If you can get the office staff to love you,
When in your heart of hearts you think they’re dirt;
If you can look alive to those above you,
When nine to five no effort you exert;
If you can seem free-thinking and courageous,
Yet always end up siding with your boss;
If you can get a mammoth raise in wages,
Yet make him feel you’re working at a loss;
If every line that’s written here you’ve noted,
And every rule and precept you obey,
Then to the highest spot you’ll be promoted,
Unless, of course, you’re knifed along the way.
An Ode to Richard M. Nixon
by Joseph K. Horn
(with apologies to Rudyard Kipling)
If you can keep your wealth when all about you
Are losing theirs from paying income tax;
If you can make quite sure that no one doubts you
By selling to the networks your own “facts”;
If you can reap the harvest that is waiting
For those who fight both sides of one same war;
If you spend hours televised, debating
For bussing and for “welfare” for the “poor”;
If you can trade with Reds, and all the while
Be charging what they owe to our own banks;
If you can have us lose a war, and smile
Because you know you’re only getting thanks;
If you can hold an office, but each minute
Be out afloat, and calmly goin’ fishin’,
The U.S.A. is yours, and all that’s in it,
Because, my son, you’ll be a politician.
http://holyjoe.org/poetry/jacobs.htm
Tony Hendra did a parody:
IF
If you can keep your job when all your cronies
Are losing theirs and blaming it on you,
If you can vote yourself a massive bonus,
Despite the quarter's plunging revenue;
If you can wait and not be tired by waiting
To sink the knife exactly where it fits,
And being hated beat them all at hating,
And then downsize them all, the stupid sh*ts;
If you can dream of sex all through a meeting
With hot account execs from O & M,
But never give a hint, however fleeting,
Your mind's on anything but cpm's;
If you can slap and tickle without feeling,
Give new meaning to the phrase "a bottom line";
If you can reinforce that glassy ceiling
(And fire the silly ninnies when they whine);
If you can stop the whistleblower blowing
And make sure the bastard never works again;
If you can inside trade without showing
And when the feds call, neatly shift the blame;
If you can peddle the stuff that causes cancer
But know the art of making settlements;
If you can perjure smoothly when you answer
And have the court seal all your documents;
If you can sell your board stupendous hooey;
If you can sweet-talk Fortune magazine;
If you can screw - but never be the screwee;
If you can count the all-important bean;
If you can fill each ever-loving minute
With sixty seconds of concern for Number One,
The company is yours and all that's in it,
And - yes - you'll be the CEO, my son!
http://www.freerepublic.com/focus/f-news/1551614/posts
dennis hopper recites "if" by rudyard kipling
YouTube
http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=3AJqESdw7xs
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